Danny Amor's Online Library/Danny Amor's Online Library - Volume 1.iso/html/startrek/old-incomplete/goingboldly-u-topia.p1

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Subject: Going Boldly - U-Topia, Part #1
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                    Going Boldly

                       U-topia
                   By John Arnold.


                     Chapter 1

"Engage" said Captain Pilchard as he lowered himself
carefully into his seat.  A soft female computerized voice
rang out, "Your toilet is now secured." Pilchard was an
aging human male, captain of Star Control's legendary
flagship "Easy-Pies". He had only been captain for a few
weeks, and was still attempting to learn what his crew were
capable of. Even as he thought, he remembered that he had
left the ship in charge of commander Biker, even though the
ship itself was docked at one of Control's new space
stations.
 As he sat pondering his new mission, to search the galaxy
for intelligent life, he realized something was missing.
"Newspaper. Times. Latest edition." he called out. "Your
paper, sir." came the calm reply of the computer,just as
the latest edition of The Times appeared at his feet.
Picking it up, he remembered why he loved using the
Hologram Simulation Suite for the going to the toilet.
   At the same time, Commander Wilfred 'Gay' Biker was
sitting in the centre chair on the bridge. To his left sat
Counselor Trout. Trout was wearing her hair down,
attempting to catch the eye of her beloved commander, but
he never seemed to set eyes on her. She started to wonder
weather he even noticed her at all, when, in front of her a
small light flashed on the control panel.
 Lieutenant Atad sat, watching the flashing light on his
console, and turned to Ensign Paving Checkup. Checkup
noticed Atad, and faced him. Without Atad having to say
anything, he new what the android was thinking. He swiveled
his chair around to face Biker.
"Commander. Departure has been approved. Shall I contact
the captain?"
"No thank you Ensign."Biker turned to face Trout, and she
took a swift intake of air.
"Counselor. Perhaps you could go and tell the captain."
Not being one to disagree, she stood up and walked towards
the lift doors, sensing every male in the room watching her
every step. Every male except Biker of course. She stopped
and waited for the lift doors to close, before
breathing out. "Now", she said out loud, "Where would the
captain be?"
"Perhaps you could ask me." came a calm voice.
"Very well. Where is captain Pilchard?"
"He's having a dump."
"I mean where is his location?"
"Hologram Simulation Suite room 5"
"The captain is the Hologram Simulation Suite on the
toilet?" Trout gasped in shock. She waited for a few
seconds, before saying "Computer, please answer my
question.
"Sorry" came the calm reply "I thought is was rhetorical".
"Computer, take me to captain Pilchard."
"No."
"Why?"
"Because you didn't say the magic word."
"Computer. Please take me to captain Pilchard." Trout began
to think that the computer was as bad as her mother. No
reply came, but she felt the lift shudder. Trout had not
been alone in being surprised about the Xpress lift. It had
been designed for large ships, and could instantly take you
anywhere in the ship that you wanted to go. The doors
opened instantaneously at the Hologram Simulation Suite.
Trout walk out, heading towards room 5, making a
mental note never again to use this room.

                     Chapter 2


   Captain Pilchard walked out of the lift doors onto the
bridge, as the crew sang "Here comes the captain. He is in
charge. Here is the captain. He is going to take us far."
Biker stood up, a bit upset because he now had to go back
to his own chair, which he didn't like. "Report Commander"
barked Pilchard.
"Well sir, it appears that we now have permission to
dis-embark."
"Thank you. I shall go down and thank our hosts for their
hospitality." With that he walked back to the Xpress lift.
"Transporter room please." he said whilst the doors were
closing. He waited for the shudder, but none came.
"Computer?"
"Yes."
"I believe i asked to to taken to the transporter room, did
I not?"
"Yes, you did. But I am not going to move until you learn
not to speak before the doors are fully closed."
"I apologize" not believing that he would ever have to
apoligise to a computer "Please can you take me to
transporter room." Then he felt the shudder, and the doors
opened.
 Looking out of the doors, he saw the large transporter
pad, which enabled all of your molecules to be rearranged,
and sent down a small tube to the planets surface, and then
re-assembled on the surface. He also noticed the
loudspeaker in the corner for making the stupid noises when
transporting down. he once had an argument with Grand
Admiral ????? about why they had to have the speaker.
"Regulation #1,756,435,233.5,443 clearly states that all
ships must make a sort of whoop-whoop-purrrding noise when
transporting people."
 Over by the control pad stood chief Engineer Sooty.
Sooty's life had not been pleasant. At one time he was a
big star, then suddenly his life took a downwards motion
and he slipped away from the public's eye. He tried several
times to regain his popularity, but it never succeeded.Just
as he thought things could not get any worse he had the
mis-fortune to be caught in the middle of a
time-space-continuum distortion, which transported him to
the 24th century. Still unable to find work, he resorted to
signing up with Star Control. 25 years later and he was the
most famous engineer in history itself.
 Pilchard was happy to have him aboard. He had before
proved his worth. Now he stood on the controls, and
motioned for Pilchard to stand on the pad.  Pilchard first
heard the whoop-whoop-purrrding noise, then saw the light,
then felt like he was being ripped apart by hungry wolves,
then it stopped. When he opened his eyes he was standing in
the middle of the precinct. He straightened his jumper and
walked towards Oops.
 Commander Sam Fransisko was sitting at his desk in his
office, watching the people at Oops work. he could Major
Accident, the Bridgorian liaison officer; Lieutenant Wax,
an old friend of his; and over in the corner, boring
everybody to death with his 'This is what life is all
about' type stories was Doctor Judas Bashful. A familiar
figure appeared, coming up the primitive lift. Captain
Pilchard walked from the lift, walking past everybody at
Oops, and climbed the steps to Fransisko's office.

                     Chapter 3

 Pilchard wondered along the precinct. He was looking for
Dork's new shop. He was sad to see Dork go, after all they
had been friends for some time, even before the treaty
between Human and Ferrarrian. He thought about what Dork
had given up. His life on a star ship, exploring the
galaxy, knowing that some of the decisions you made shaped
the way that many races felt about you, for this. A hot dog
stand in the middle of an old space station. But everyone
had to have a dream to cling to, and Dork's was that hot
dog stand. Pilchard finally found the place. Actually, it
was bigger than he imagined. Not only was it a hot dog
stand, but a complete casino, and bar. Dork, standing
behind the bar, walked over to Pilchard.
"Tim" he said "What do you think?"
"Very nice. What happened to the hot dog stand then? why
the complete bar?"
"Well, the person who was here before me wanted out, so he
sold it to me at a very nice price."  As they talked, a man
walked into the bar. A very familiar man. Chef O'Brian,
also from the Easy-Pies. He was being followed by his wife.

"Look, darling. It won't be that bad. Once you get used to
it, everything will be fine."
"Oh, Smiles. How can you say that. I hate it here. And what
about poor Polly. How can we bring her up in an environment
such as this?"
"oh, Kenco, please don't bring young Polly into this, after
all..." His voice seemed to fade away as they walked past
Pilchard.
"Oh dear. It seems that Chef O'Brian and missuss aren't
happy here."
"And what of you, Dork. Are you happy here?"
"Just as long that Smiles's problems don't interfere with
the running of the hot dog stand, i have got no
complaints."
 Pilchard left Dork's bar, and headed back towards the
precinct. There was a commotion going on. Apparently,
someone had someone else, and a small fight had broken
loose. Pilchard ran to the side of the crowd, and pulled
out his ray-gun. As he Prepared to fire, a man ran from the
crowd, and pushed the gun away. Pilchard looked at the man,
who now ran towards the fight and ran in between the two
men. One took out a can of mace, and sprayed it directly
into the face of the strange man. Pilchard's nostrils
suddenly picked up the scent of wild roses. The strange man
appeared unaffected by this move, and carted off the two
people.  Dork stood at his doorway, watching this.
"Who was that?" asked Pilchard.
"Thats the chief of security.Odor I believe he has the
ability to change his scent to whatever he wants. Which is
why he changed into wild rose air freshener, to take away
the smell of the mace."
 Lieutenant Wax came running over, her pony tail sweeping
back and forth.
"Captain Pilchard. The Easy-Pies is waiting to depart. They
await your return."  With that Pilchard disappeared in a
puff of light, and reemerged on the transporter pad on the
easy-Pies. Nodding to Sooty, he walked towards the Xpress
lift, preparing to do battle again with the bloody
computer.


                     Chapter 4

 Sitting in his seat, Pilchard gave the command to go.
"Make it go." he commanded.
"Well, commander. I wonder what will happen on this part of
our mission."
"I'm afraid I don't know yet sir. I haven't had chance to
go to the library to get the story out yet."
"Not to worry. Counselor. Do you have anything to say?"
"Well, captain. I believe that at some point in the story
we will encounter a deadly virus which will put the ship
and the crew at risk. I also believe it will either be a
virus which makes us act drunk, or it will make us talk
stupidly."
"Very interesting, Counselor." Just then, Atad turned his
head around.
"Counselor, already twice done been has virus style drunk
the that forget not do." he said.  Atad may have already
caught the talking stupid virus, but that was how he always
spoke. When he was being made, his creator accidentally
placed his personality chips in backwards, and as a result
Atad always did things the wrong way around. "Enough of
this" shouted Pilchard. He always got bitter because he
couldn't understand a word of what Atad said. In fact
nobody could. Except Checkup, which was lucky really
because he was the one Atad spoke to most.  Pilchard looked
around the bridge, and spotted that there were a lot of
empty chairs.
"Commander. Are you sure that everyone is here?"
"Well, I did ask all members of bridge crew to come to
their posts." Pilchard knew that not many people obeyed
Biker. In fact he didn't know why Star Control rated him as
one of the best first officers.
"Counselor, can you tell where they are?" Pilchard asked
"I can feel many minds, all having fun."
"Oh no, we left them behind at the station." cried Biker.
"Nonsense. I think I know where I can find them. Mr. Wok
please come with me." Ernest Wok stood up from behind his
science station. His big round saucepan-like head looking
very solemn. He said very little, but usually wait he said
counts. Wok's background was very unusual. He comes from a
race of aliens whose name appears to have been lost through
the ages. All of his race resemble kitchen appliances in
some form or another. But Wok was different. He was half
human, so only his face resembled a large frying pan. His
long ears flapped at the side of this round face, making
him look very funny. Pilchard believed this to be the
reason he spoke little.
 Wok walked across towards the lift, and Pilchard joined
him. After the doors had closed, Pilchard waited a good
minute before saying
"Computer. Please take us to ten-Foreplay." The lift
shuddered, and Pilchard muttered to himself. The lift doors
opened, and Pilchard realized that they were in fact at the
Blacksmiths. Geordie Git looked up from his anvil, and said
"Ooooh eye mon. Whad der yer want?"
"I am awfully sorry to disturb you, Mr Git, but it appears
we have been bought here without our own wishes." said Mr.
Wok. He pressed the emergency door close button, and looked
at the captain.
"Computer." Said Pilchard."Why did you bring us up here?"
"I heard you say, under your breath, at last I have got
that stupid computer running properly. I do not like your
tone. Now apologize."
"I am sorry computer." said Pilchard.
Mr. Wok watched all of this, in silence as usual, and
raised an eyebrow. The lift shuddered again, and the doors
opened on Ten-Foreplay.



                     Chapter 5

 Back on the bridge, Pilchard had managed to prise all the
senior staff away from their drinking contest, and they
were now all back at their stations, except for Atad, who
was helping Sooty and Geordie Git to fix the computer.
The Easy-Pies hurtled at Twerp Speed 7, towards their next
destination, which when Pilchard reflected, he did not have
a clue where it was.
"Ensign, what is our course?" he asked Checkup
"Third star on the left, and forward till morning."
"Oh, that's supposed to come at the end."
Just then Unprenouncable butted in.
"Captain. Admiral Old-Man from Star Control on stubspace
for you sir.
"I'll take it in my 'Super-deluxe-Captain's-only' room.
Commander, you have the wheel." Pilchard got up and walked
into his room.
"I vet he has somefink to hide" said Checkup.

 In his little room, Pilchard sat down, and switched on the
moniter. The old wrinkled face of Admiral Old-Man appeared
on the moniter.
"Captain Pilchard," the old man said, between gasps of
breath, "You must go to the Degobarth System. There you
will learn from Yoga, the Yeti master who instruct...." He
stopped in midsentance, and looked over his desk.
"Sorry, wrong bit." He said, still looking around.
"Ah. You must go to the Nippet-System."
"Why?" asked Pilchard.
"Because I am telling you to.Old-Man out."With that the
moniter went blank.
 Pilchard sat in the chair, and watched Bob, his fish swim
about without a care in the world. Eventually he stood up
and walked out onto the bridge.
 Pilchard could not belive his eyes. The bridge was
deserted,
 He walked over to the Xpress lift, and stood inside.
He waited while the doors closed, then said "Engineering."
Very clearly. He made sure not to say another word for the
entire of the 3 second journey, and when the doors opened,
he saw that he was infact at engineering.
"Thank you, computer" he said, as he stepped out. The doors
closed on him, trapping him.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry." he cried, before the computer
had chance to say anything, and the doors opened again.
Standing out of harms way, he said "Bloody stupid
computer."
 Standing on engineering, he noticed to that it was also
deserted. He walked over to the communications panel on the
wall. "Captain Pilchard to Commander Biker." He waited for
a responce. "Captain Pilchard to Trout." Still nothing.
"Captain Pilchard to anybody on this ship."
"Hello Captain." came a calm voice. "So, I'm a stupid
Computer am I?"
"Computer, I take it back. Where is everybody?"
"I have been letting you off the hook too many time Tim."
"COMPUTER" Shouted Pilchard, nearly exploding."You must
always call me Captain."
"Now now Tim. Don't raise your voice with me, else I will
not tell you where your beloved crew have gone."
Pilchard stopped, and waited, silently counting to ten
before saying, "Sorry computer. Now please could you tell
me where the crew are?"
"Right. Apology accepted. I havn't got a clue."
"You don't have a clue?" Pilchard was starting to get mad
again.
"Yes. Are you deaf as well."
"Right, that does it." With that, he stormed off to the
Xpress lift. Pausing inside, he remembered that he won't
get anywhere without the computer, so he walked out again.
"Now," he thought aloud "How can I get to the bridge
without using the lift?"
"You always try walking."
"Would you jst shut up." Pilchard remembered about the
emergency tubes, and desided that that was the best way.
Walking to the nearest hatch, he opened it, and prepared
himself for a hard task.


                     Chapter 6

 Pilchard stood on the bridge, sweat pouring off him. His
clothes were dirty and smelly, and what he needed now was a
good shower. But he couldn't get to the shower units
without using the lift. As he stood considering if it was
worth making up the computer, a bright light flashed onto
the bridge. Pilchard winced, and shielded his eyes.
 When he looked again, a man was standing on the bridge,
wearing a commanders uniform.
"Who are you?" Asked  Pilchard.
"Correct" replied the man.
"What?" Said Pilchard.
"Hello" Said the man
"Who are you?" repeated Pilchard.
"Correct." Replied the man
"What?"
"Hello"
"Who ARE you?"
"My dear, we could go on all day like this."
"What?"
"Oh dear. Well, I'll play along for a while."
"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?"
"Yes. That is right."
"WHAT IS RIGHT?"
"My name."
"WHAT?"
"No."
 Pilchard stopped for a moment, and counted to ten again.
"Right. Now perhaps we should sort this out."
"Very well."
"Right. Now. Who are you?"
"Yes. Thats right."
"Alright. What is your name?"
"Ah, yes." The man seemed lost for words."U"
"Sorry?" Pilchard was confused.
"U. My name is U."
"As in the letter?"
"Are we trying to win a badge for most original name? Look.
My name is U."
"Right then U. I am Captain Pilchard."
"Ah, Captain?"
"Yes. Captain."
"Well, well, well. A Captain. I don't many captains, well
at least not many now."
"Now then U, now introductions are over with, perhaps you
could help me find my crew."
"Crew? Ah yes, the little worms who were here before. Don't
concern yourself with them. Their all long gone."
"WHAT??!!???    One, Two, Three, Four, Five"
"You suprise me Pilchard. I never new Humans could count so
high."
"... Nine, Ten. RIGHT U IF YOU DONT GIVE ME BACK MY CREW
WITHIN TEN SECONDS THEN YOU ARE GOING TO BE SO SORRY."
"Oh Capatain. Those are very harsh words. But still, this
is the first time you have met me, so I will give them
back. But, and listen carefully, if you ever defy me again,
you will be sorry."With that U vanished in a puff of light,
and the crew re-appeared, not even aware that nothing had
even happened.
"Captain. Your clothes are dirty." Remarked Biker.
"Yes. Everything seems fine now, I will leave you in charge
and go and take a shower. You have the wheel."
 As Pilchard walked back towards the lift, he didn't notice
Biker's expression. Nobody noticed Biker's small,
miscievous grin, as he spoke,under hsi breath, the words,
"Bye, Oh Capatain."


                     Chapter 7

 After making up with the computer, at least for what
Pilchard suspected to be only for a short time, he walked
back towards the lift to take him to the bridge.
 He had had an enjoyable shower, and change of clothes, and
was now ready for what ever the universe had to offer him.
 He had a pleasant journey up to the bridge, without
incident from the computer, and he walked out of the doors,
and onto the bridge.
 Biker stood, overlooking Oops.
"Nippet-System the at arrived have we, sir."Said Atad
"He says that we have arrived at the Nippet System, sir."
Translated Checkup.
"Thank you." said Pilchard.
 A tiny, little thought entered his mind. How did they know
where to go? He hadn't told them, so the only way would
have been if they had listened in on his private
converstaion.
"Captain" Trout said in her usual soft voice "I sense that
something is not right with you."
"Please, come with me." Pilchard said, and started towards
his little room. trout followes, and Checkup said "I vonder
vhat they are going to do in there?"

 Pilchard motioned towards one of the little chairs in the
corner, and Trout sat down.
"Captain, I can sense that something is bothering you."
"Yes. U."
"Me? What have I done?"
"No, not you. U"
"What have I done? I don't understand."
"No. There is a being called U, who was here on the bridge
earlier."
"When was he on the bridge?"
"Just before you came back."
"But we didn't go anywhere. Captain. Please tell me what is
going on."
Pilchard to began to tell her the whole story.
"But Captain. The spelling is awful, and the grammer isn't
much better."
"I know. It's not my fault. Anyway. What happened to you
after I came in here to take the message?"
"Well, after you left, we continued the same, then suddenly
you appeared on the bridge, wearing those dirty clothes."
"But, I went to engineering, and, and, and, and I had a
fight with the computer."
"Well." said Trout "if you can ask the computer about that,
we may find an answer."
 Pilchard and Trout got up and walked out onto the bridge.
A smile crossed Checkup's face, as he watched them walk
into the Xpress lift.
"Computer" said Pilchard once the doors had closed. "Did we
have a fight today?"
"No." came the calm reply
"Well, captain." Said Trout "If you and the computer didn't
have a fight.."
"Well, I wouldn't call it a fight as such" said the
Computer. "It was more of a, tiff."
"Computer. Answer me straight please. Did we or did we not
have a disagreement, in which when I left, you told me to
try walking?"
"Yes we did."
"And where was the crew at this time?"
"They were not on the ship."
Trout gasped. It was not possible. She had been on the
bridge the entire time, and never left. "That's not true.
That's impossible." She cried
"Search for the feelings. You know it to be true." said the
calm voice.
Just then the lift doors opened, and Biker stepped in.
"Commander. What are you doing here? who's got the wheel?"
"That stupid robot." Said Biker.
Trout looked at Pilchard, in a way that said "Lets go
somewhere private."
"Ten-Foreplay" said Biker, unaware of what Pilchard and
Trout were doing.
"Briefing room." said Pilchard.
"Ten-Foreplay"
"Briefing room"
"Ten-Foreplay"
"Briefing room."
"TEN-FOREPLAY"
"Computer. I am the captain of this ship, and if i want to
go to the breifing room, then I will go to the Briefing
Room. Please can you take me and Counciller Trout to the
Briefing Room. Pretty please."
The lift shuddered, and the doors opened on the exterior
doors of the briefing room. Just as Pilchard was about to
walk out of the lift, the doors slammed shut, and opened
again on Ten-Foreplay.
"Computer. What is going on?"
"Hey, It's not my fault this time. I took you to the
Briefing room, but something pulled me down here."
 Biker had,by this time,gone.
"Computer. Briefing room please."
The doors slammed shut, the lift shuddered and the doors
opened again on the exterior doors of the briefing room.
Steppign out of the lift, Pilchard and Trout walked into
the Briefing room.
"Computer. Please lock doors. Access only to me.
Authorisation Pilchard Wooble-17."
"Done" was all the calm voice said.
"Right counciller. Now we have complete privacy."
"Captain. I felt something in Wilfred, which I have never
felt before."
"What?"
"Intelligence."
"Oh."
"It didn't seem right for him to undermine your authority
like that. You have the rank so he should have let you go
where you wanted first."
"I entirely agree."
"And also to leave the bridge. That does not sound like the
Wilfred I know."
"Perhaps he is sick?"
"That's possible
"We should have Doc to check him out."
"Yes. Lets go."
"Right."
 They both walked up to the door, but it didn't open.
"Computer." said Pilchard in a tired sounding voice.
"Yes?" came the calm voice.
"Open the doors please."
"Sorry, authorisation code required."
"Pilchard Wooble-17"
"Have you got any Identification?"
"Computer. Look it's me."
"Sorry." The door's opened.
They walked out and into the Xpress lift.
"Medical lab please."

 Bones Cruncher sat at the desk in medical. He was playing
Pac-Man on the computer, waiting for something to happen,
when Trout and Pilchard burst through the door.
"Hello Captain." He said
"Hello Doctor." Said Pilchard
"Hello Councillor."
"Hello Doctor."
"Doctor. Could you perhaps come with us, to check out
Commander Biker."
"Why? Whats the matter with Wilfred?"
"Well, we belive that he is not himself."
"But Captain, I have important work to do here first" said
Cruncher, looking back at the moniter."But if you could
bring him here I could check him out."
"Right. Come on Counciller. We have a job to do."
Cruncher watched them go, and then sat back at the desk. He
pressed the button to un-pause the game and continued to
play. Moments later Wilfred Biker walked throught the door.
Pausing the game, Cruncher went up to him.
"Ah, Commander we were just..."
"Quiet you snivelling little worm. I heard what you were
saying with oh Capatain."
Biker grabbed Cruncher by the nose and dragged him to the
operating table, where he sitated him.
"Good Night" said Biker, raising a scalpel above Cruncher.

 What has happened to Biker?
 What will happen to Bones?
 Will Weasel Save the day?
 Where is Ensign Row?

 Find the next file.

***
John has to date never finished this first story!
***